nohalation (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nohalation) wrote2019-06-25 08:04 am
nohalation) wrote2019-06-25 08:04 am
(no subject)
12k comments for angel and 4k comments for ozy which is like 10 million comments tbh.
Ask me any questions, cr update, general update, what's someone's favorite food, whatever! I'll answer, ask a question back, and we will continue forever until one of us wanders off.
Ask me any questions, cr update, general update, what's someone's favorite food, whatever! I'll answer, ask a question back, and we will continue forever until one of us wanders off.
no subject
no subject
She also feels nervous, but in sort of the "I'm aware that I'm weird and upsetting Silence" way, and she doesn't know what to do about it. Like she is at least aware that "not loving yourself" is upsetting for some reason even if she doesn't really get why. This is just how it is, and yet someone is upset? ???? ???????????????? But so it makes her want to at least try to figure it out/understand which it's been a while since she has done this! I think she has with Doodle, and she finally understands now, but that was a while ago. WHAT IF SHE FAILS AND JUST MAKES SILENCE MORE SAD OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Otherwise though, she LOOOOOoooOOOOOOoooooovEESSSsss her. She loves that they get along, she likes how they're super similar with not being quite "normal" (though she thinks Silence is way more normal than herself), she loves talking about Jyanta with her!!!
WITH SONG, Song is now special because of the family comment. In a way, she finds that Song is actually the kindest in the unit for that. Like Angel obv has no self-esteem though she does have pride in other areas! Or like she is completely blind-sided about some qualities. Like her niceness? She does't really consider that as one of her traits, but she thinks Song has it. She's the real deal in Angel's eyes, and Angel is the phony.
SHE LOVES HER TOO. LOVE SILENCE AND SONG WHO ARE WAY BETTER THAN ANGEL!!!!!!!!!
REVERSE ME U CRIMINAL
no subject
NO, SORRY ABOUT THAT, One reason I took so long was because I was struggling to find the best words to explain what Silence feels about Angel right now. TO PREFACE THIS TALK, Silence values Angel so very much! She has a place on one of the higher shelves in Silence's mind.
BUT IT'S ALSO... COMPLICATED! In the end, I think the best way to put it is that while Silence respects and cares for Angel so very much, she also feels... pity for her? I don't think that's the right way to put it—pity sounds condescending, and Silence by no means looks down on Angel. But, pity might be the right word because Silence feels so bad for Angel??? Angel deserves better, Angel should have happiness of her own, Angel cares so much about people and they DON'T feel the same for her. And there's no way Silence can magically fix this and she KNOWS that, which really hurts.
There's frustration on Angel's behalf and with Angel('s situation,) in a way that draws out Silence's realization that sometimes you can care so much about someone and not be able to help. The realization she's helpless with proving someone else's self-worth VS their FUCKY LIFE (which ALSO draws out Silence's complicated feelings with MEMORIES which is to say she thinks they're important but WHAT IF ANGEL DIDN'T TAKE MEMORIES, WHAT WAS HER SELF-ESTEEM LIKE BEFORE SHE REMEMBERED THAT FUCKED UP HOME LIFE!!) really twists a knot in her stomach, because at her core Silence would always want to help someone.
Silence also wants to be nicer to Angel, which is a struggle, too, because this girl has no issue with telling people when they annoy her or piss her off... but she doesn't want to do that to Angel? So it's kind of like she's navigating a mine field, A MINE FIELD WITH INACTIVE MINES, because she's worried she could set something off. She's actually always been like this, since the Bomb Collar Trauma Game, because there have been so many times when Silence has SNAPPED while talking to Angel and regretting it lololol.
Angel also serves as an inspiration—her willingness to embrace everyone, her delightful demeanor, the way she cares about everyone, it sped up the process in which Silence realized that she, too, wanted to be able to see such good in everyone! So I guess Angel did Oz's job, huh.
There's just so many feelings about this, and Silence is probably going to start doing Fun Events and Fun Things to show Angel she's appreciated!!! spoilers~~
TL;DR sometimes when silence looks at angel she wants to cry
ETA: OH RIGHT AND SONG!! Song kinda looks to Angel for inspiration, too, and delights that she has someone so cheery and cute with her on the same unit! While Song looks up to Yvette in a way that she wants to be more like er, Song has also kind of taken some inspiration from Angel's behaviorrrrs? That cheeriness is contagious.
SO TELL ME, WHAT UNIT WOULD YOU WANNA SEE DAWN ON AND HOW DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD GO~
no subject
no subject
As always, Intensity is still the most important person to her right now! But it has sort of shifted from like that teacher/student dynamic that she had in her mind before where it was like "he takes care of me, he teaches me things, he will protect me" and more along the lines of "we will stick together, we have experienced everything together, we will fight this fight together." So with her own growing confidence in her position, she has managed to kind of accept the viewpoint that she can give just as much back as needed. SO IN SOME WAYS, he is even more important than before because now she feels like they're too connected/intertwined at this point, and if he got yanked, there'd be a pretty decent hole in her soul (I mean she feels a decent hole with Sho at this point too).
This is why she did get upset that one time when they were arguing because for a moment, it felt like Intensity did not feel the same about that position! SHE HAS A LOT OF PRIDE TOO YA KNOW so for a moment, she had some insecurities about it! What do you mean you want me to go home D8?! Of course, he had reason to be upset also when she huffed away obviously, and then there was the "oops using Intensity's upset for a game" accident lol which ofc that got squared away, but that was a stressful time!! And still, she didn't feel like he would just never talk to her again, she trusted him that much! She just hated feeling like she made him upset while also feeling upset herself. Don't get pride folks, it's bad.
BUT AS I SAID, THAT GOT FIXED AND EVERYTHING BECAME GOOD ON HER END and at that point, it solidified the new relationship dynamic for her and also sort of the person she is now!! Aka she's a ruler, she recognizes what her position is, she is aware of that importance/power dynamic, and isn't gonna accept people putting her on any level that she doesn't approve of (you can't make her a peasant!!). Doesn't mean she won't still look at Intensity for teaching/learning still tho, she's still gonna do that lol, but she can make her own decisions now (see C witnessing Angel saying no for the first time after like four months and just being ?!?!?! about it).
uuuuhhhh what else OH YES, one of the other things that put her on this equal dynamic footing is 99! 99 IS OUT TO CAUSE YOU TROUBLE I'M SORRY. But he's the one that kept letting her know that Intensity doesn't take care of himself and that she's the one that helps him calm down a little. Or that since he's EXTREMELY PARANOID, she's one of the few people he trusts so Angel has a bit of power/access to Intensity that other ppl do not. I think Maki and B said similar things about him not taking care of himself tho I might have forgot, it's been a while, but basically she recognizes now that she can help ease his stress and she doesn't need to hold back wrt checking up on him. And with the recent conversation and how he basically just answered her questions without any avoidance (at least to herself it seems that way), it's strong confirmation THUS AGAIN, reinforces the new dynamic.
WHICH IS IMPORTANT! FOR HER! Cuz she actually has zero self-worth and in some ways, this forces her to recognize she has to exist, and her existence can actually mean something. She hasn't connected that in her head yet (tho Silence is working on it and has made some strides there) but it is in fact a thing. IT IS PROBABLY UNHEALTHY BUT IS ANYONE ON FIN ACTUALLY HEALTHY, IM PRESSING DOUBT ON THAT.
SO YES, SHE STILL LOVES INTENSITY VERY MUCH, MAYBE TOO MUCH, WOULD STILL CONSIDER MURDER FOR INTENSITY (tho maybe also not cuz he wants her to reach her own goals in life).
REVERSE ME (also let me know if u want me to cover any other particular part of their cr that i didnt cover)
no subject
She does not fall apart after difficult games. She does not stray from her convictions. She does not act and then regret later. And she does not take shit from anyone (not even Intensity!). This was really cemented during their talk about Red's graduation. Angel was very adamant that she loved Red but also that she would stop her if necessary. And if that isn't a sign of being confident in her own person, Intensity doesn't know what is. It's funny because there have been multiple times where people have approached Intensity with statements like "well what if your schemes to become King of Hell hurt Angel" or "think of the danger that would put Angel in" and Intensity has gone from being irritated by these comments to outright laughing at them. Angel understands him better than anyone, and while he's certainly not going to sacrifice Angel for his goals, if she gets hurts and put in danger in the process - she would not only forgive him, but be upset if he held back on her account. Angel is not Intensity's weak point. She is his strength.
And that is also why Intensity is more open and honest with Angel than anyone else. Because they do understand each other on a level that no one else does. He doesn't have to be worried that she'll misunderstand or think that he's wrong or try to change him. She only challenges him seriously when she is trying to help him - and though that first argument stung a lot, Intensity is now grateful for it because it did really set them as equals in their relationship.
On the flip side, Intensity also knows that Angel trusts him as much as he trusts her. That is why in her heart game, he specifically kept going toward the areas that looked... well bad. Not because he was trying to snoop or find her secrets or even protect her (though he did want to protect her obviously). But because he knows that Angel has tried to help him understand but because they both suck at feelings communication, that this was a way for her to open up to him. And that is also why he tried to organize and repair things more than add or remove (except for the family room, of course. That's his space so he can do whatever he wants to it). He doesn't want to change Angel but he does want her to be able to understand her own desires better.
Another thing Intensity has been thinking about a lot since Red graduated and how closer Future is Now has gotten in recent weeks, is the difference between family and home. Future is Now has always been his "family" whether or not any of them ever used the word. He looks at all the other drama that other units have in games and is grateful that FiN never has to deal with that. But he's still not open with many of them, so FiN is still not a home. Home - he has decided - is with Angel, Little Red, and Man Eater. Of everything that has happened in Imeeji, one of the most "peaceful" events for Intensity was actually in the Hunger Games - where he met up with Angel, Red, Man Eater and they decided to travel together. He knew he was with people that understood him and would protect him as he would protect them and -- it was just one of the nicest moments he had in Hell. In the middle of one of the worst trauma games. Not quite sure what that says about him. But regardless he is in full support of Angel trying to reach Little Red while he attempts to wrangle Man Eater into not feeling like it's him versus the world.
Also, what you wrote made me think about Intensity versus self-worth and how both he and Angel have very warped viewpoints in that regard. While Intensity does not have zero self-worth, all of his worth is tied up in his own accomplishments and ideals a la this fucked up viewpoint. Which is why business partners are easy and actual friendships are hard. Intensity still has a hard time grasping the concept of respecting/liking a person for who they are not what they can do. And Angel likes people almost indiscriminately. So once again, it's two sides of the same coin where they understand each other well because the facade of being polar opposites in actually rooted in a lot of commonality.
Rank the units for Angel or at least which ones exceed the "I love everyone" baseline.
no subject